I had a very interesting (and difficult) lunch time conversation with a woman today. Somehow from chatting about our careers, we got talking about divorce. A mother of 4 kids, she's been married for 13 years, 8 of which (in her words) have been pure hell and she's divorcing her husband. Listening to some of her reasons, I must admit that most of them seemed logical.
"What about the kids?" I asked gently
"It's because of them I'm leaving my husband, they deserve a better life." she says.
"I understand that. But have you asked them how they FEEL about this? What they think about it all?"
She seemed nonplussed.
"How they feel?"
"Yes how they feel. Have you asked them?"
"No I haven't" she gently admits, looking thoughtful and now, also a bit worried.
"You should ask them, listen to what they say and how it makes them feel."
"Do you think they'll ask me to change my mind?" she asks again looking trapped.
"It's not about that. Yes, they may want you to change your mind; that's normal. What's most important is for them to know that in this tumultuous time, someone understands how they feel and what all of this is doing to them."
We concluded lunch shortly after and I could see that this woman was leaving with some of the wind taken out of her sails. Good.
I'm one of those people who believe that getting into a marriage... and getting out of one, require almost, if not the same degree of prayer, contemplation, deliberation and counsel. Except of course in very rare cases where you should just pack and run. But only in very rare cases, and they are not that many. Trust me.
Before I get crucified, I'm not one of those people who believe that marriage is a do or die affair; there are times when people must cut their losses and keep it moving. But I also know for a fact that divorce isn't all that it's cracked up to be. It doesn't erase all the challenges and difficulties in marriage and it seldom changes people. Sometimes it seems to me that it's like placing a band-aid on a tumour; it's still going to burst open one day. So how about dealing with it from the foundation? Preventing it maybe?
Divorce is like the tearing apart of something, and is especially horrible if there are children in the marriage. Most times, parents are so consumed with fighting and destroying each other that they seldom pay attention to the damage they are wreaking on their children. And when they do pay attention, it is to pit the children against themselves. Why? Why do parents forget that even though they may now hate each others guts, their children still love them completely. It's hard to be caught to be caught in the middle, to have to pronounce judgement or give opinions, when all a child wants to do is love his/her parents in peace.
A woman might be the worst wife on the face of the earth, but she may be the world's best mum; same thing for a man. Is there a way to strive for balance? Can couples divorce one another without letting the bitterness and anger rain down on their children? Can they learn to do it in a way where the children aren't damaged permanently?
Divorce is hard on couples; I know. But it's even more difficult for children. If it must be done, parents should learn to sheath their swords and ensure that they transition their children purposefully, lovingly and carefully. Selah.
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